Discipline and Submission
Whew. The gears in my head are smoking. There should be a warning label on This Big Hush: "Do not read while sleep deprived".
The last few entries (Digging Deeper,Self Imposed Discipline and Exile,and Don't leave fingerprints on my soul) have made so many things go off in my head...
Why am I submissive? What does submissive really mean to me? What does discipline mean to me?
Come with me while I try to figure this out...
What does discipline mean to me?
I grew up with my mother making us do the housework so she didn't have to. Rarely does it ever get done in her house now, she's always "too tired", or "just doesn't feel like it". I have grown into this overwhelming abhorance of "undisciplined" people... Discipline means, to me, stretching what you think your limits are to achieve a desired result. That is not an easy thing, for no matter how much it kills me to say it, I did inherit a bit of my mother's laziness... Although I am fighting it constantly. Extremely disciplined people are very attractive to me... Which may lead to my submissiveness. Being submissive, to me, means that I want to submit to someone more disciplined than me, someone that can help me see what needs to be done, hold me accountable. The kinky sex is not what is the most attractive in the D/s life, to me, its the serving. The sitting at a Dom's feet and learning. Having someone that can help me achieve a higher level, not be doing it for me, but by pushing me to help myself.
This is one of my biggest worries about R. He is VERY undisciplined. If he doesn't feel like doing something, he doesn't. He can't see ahead and do things that need to be done. That is one reason he is living with me, he can't even pay his bills, the one thing I hear him say more than anything is "When I get a round to it". (I actually cut out two big cardboard circles once, and wrote on them "Round Tuit". Told him he now had two "round to its" and he could get things done! Didn't help.)
I can't submit to someone that has less discipline than I do!
The BDSM is a little harder to define. Pain seems to take me to a complete different level of consciousness. A whole different place, even, but it also puts me in a place where everything about that moment is so focused. Every second I feel everything individually, its like meditation... exactly like meditation! Gives me such focus, it's like super senses. Cuts through the cobwebs in my head... makes the discipline easier to focus on.
Make any sense at all??? lol
The last few entries (Digging Deeper,Self Imposed Discipline and Exile,and Don't leave fingerprints on my soul) have made so many things go off in my head...
Why am I submissive? What does submissive really mean to me? What does discipline mean to me?
Come with me while I try to figure this out...
What does discipline mean to me?
I grew up with my mother making us do the housework so she didn't have to. Rarely does it ever get done in her house now, she's always "too tired", or "just doesn't feel like it". I have grown into this overwhelming abhorance of "undisciplined" people... Discipline means, to me, stretching what you think your limits are to achieve a desired result. That is not an easy thing, for no matter how much it kills me to say it, I did inherit a bit of my mother's laziness... Although I am fighting it constantly. Extremely disciplined people are very attractive to me... Which may lead to my submissiveness. Being submissive, to me, means that I want to submit to someone more disciplined than me, someone that can help me see what needs to be done, hold me accountable. The kinky sex is not what is the most attractive in the D/s life, to me, its the serving. The sitting at a Dom's feet and learning. Having someone that can help me achieve a higher level, not be doing it for me, but by pushing me to help myself.
This is one of my biggest worries about R. He is VERY undisciplined. If he doesn't feel like doing something, he doesn't. He can't see ahead and do things that need to be done. That is one reason he is living with me, he can't even pay his bills, the one thing I hear him say more than anything is "When I get a round to it". (I actually cut out two big cardboard circles once, and wrote on them "Round Tuit". Told him he now had two "round to its" and he could get things done! Didn't help.)
I can't submit to someone that has less discipline than I do!
The BDSM is a little harder to define. Pain seems to take me to a complete different level of consciousness. A whole different place, even, but it also puts me in a place where everything about that moment is so focused. Every second I feel everything individually, its like meditation... exactly like meditation! Gives me such focus, it's like super senses. Cuts through the cobwebs in my head... makes the discipline easier to focus on.
Make any sense at all??? lol
1 Comments:
Wow... I am so amazed...lol... thank you so much!
Post a Comment
<< Home